This morning I awoke early. Being a mom of a busy two year old, I often take an early morning to work, read or meditate. Sometimes I'll read my cards. Sometimes I'll pull cards for my friends. Sometimes I'll catch up on emails.
This morning I checked my bank account. A regularly scheduled deposit was already one day behind schedule because of the holiday; but was due at midnight. A voice told me "check your account". Deposit wasn't there.
A wave of anxiety hit me.
"How am I going to do this? How am I going to pay bills? How am I going to deal with this again?"
I thought to myself, "It's 5am, no one is awake. I'll deal with this later." I curled up back in bed with my toddler and began to relax back down. My thoughts were racing so I began my routine of meditation. I started with visualizing myself in a sphere of warm light. Then started working to become a rainbow bridge, imagining light traveling from my crown chakra down through the soles of my feet. As I'd get distracted, I'd repeat my long time mantra in my head, bringing me back to that light and peace.
om mani padme hum. om mani padme hum. om mani padme hum.
Slowly I began to relax. I began to calmly acknowledge my feelings.
"I am angry. I am scared." How could I turn these fears into affirmations?
I started to visualize my mom. Her physical body left this world a year ago, and I have struggled to feel her presence. However I started to visualize her sitting with me as a child. My head in her lap, she was stroking my hair and soothing me.
At first I shook off this visualization. I went back to becoming a rainbow bridge and a vessel of light, but yet again I was met with this image and motherly energy. I decided to give into it, become receptive to the presence and the energy there.
I began to talk with her and share with her my woes, my fears, my anger.
"Everything will be ok." She reassured repeatedly.
"But it doesn't feel ok."
"But you have to trust everything will be ok. Do you not have faith in that?"
"I do, but I also have doubt."
"Can you not look at your life and see that you've always been ok? Even when you've struggled, and believed you were done.. Did you not come out of that? Were you not provided for? Sometimes you have to have faith, even when you don't know how."
I began to realize what she was saying. She was right. I felt a significant release of anger.
I have suffered, I have hurt, I have caused hurt. Yet I have been provided for. I have been ok. I am alive. I am here. Breathing. Content.
I continued to sit in the presence of this energy for a bit longer until I drifted into sleep.
I woke up less than an hour later, without the anger.
I checked my account.
The deposit was made.
Everything is going to be ok.